The "Freshman"

9/25/09

"WAIT, you're a FRESHMAN? he said in disbelief. It was a sentence all too familar. And yet, it always surprised me. Every year I chose to have wishful thinking, to believe that maybe, just maybe this year I'd look my age.

What a silly child I was.

"Yeah..." I said slowly, feeling awkward. I stared at my feet, playing with my toes inside my shoes unconsciously.
"You look like you're a junior, but I've never seen you before, so I thought maybe you were a sophomore or something..." he told me, seemingly impressed. Was this supposed back handed compliment? Is this really a good thing?
"Trust me, that's a good thing," my friend said, as if answering my thoughts. "You look older, like you know what you're doing." she continued.
That's interesting, I thought. People often called me "mature for my age" but I liked this description better. I liked to appear as if I knew what was going on...especially since I rarely ever actually did.
"Plus, you're tall," she finished, ruining it. So much for good reasons. I'm in a school full of people way older and taller than me, and I'm still considered freakishly tall. Great, I thought. That's just great.

6/23/10

Freshman, the word is said with such distaste. Each time I say it, it's as if the level of respect drops dramatically; I can see it in their eyes. It's as if by being a freshman, suddenly everything is different. You no longer are your own person.

Being a freshman is suddenly your identity.

It defines who you are and how you're viewed by everyone else. It doesn't matter if you work harder, or longer, or are just plain better. It doesn't matter if you hang out with the seniors, or if they call you an "honorary junior" or even if your done with school that year, and technically you're a rising sophomore.

You're still that freshman.

And it feels like you'll always be that freshman. It feels as if you'll never just be a sophomore or a junior even if you always look like one. Because even if you get there, you'll still look older and the distaste will still be in their voice because as much as you look it, as much as you want to be it, you aren't it.

You're never it.



I'm never it.